What I've Learned as a Foster Parent

Christina Dettman and her husband Brian are the parents of Francisca, Prisca, Jay, Kai, and Mia.

I feel like I could write a book with advice I would pass on to other foster parents. But here are a few of my initial thoughts for anyone thinking about fostering. 

Make sure you’re getting into this world for the right reasons. I admit that when my husband and I became foster parents, I was very naive and knew nothing about trauma-informed care. I thought (and perhaps was coaxed into believing that) we could simply foster to adopt, and tie everything up in a nice bow. But nothing about any of this system is ever simple or easy. It’s hard, and takes way too long, and there are ugly parts. You have to be okay with a child going home to their biological family, if that’s what is deemed appropriate, because reunification is always the first goal. This is about the child – not you. 

Take teenagers. Easy for me to say, right? But trust me, teens in care are the hardest to place, and they need it! I interview them all the time for work, and these kids are desperate for a family. It will be hard work, but imagine what the kids have been through, and imagine all the ways you could improve their lives if you’re willing to stick it out. I am always so impressed with foster families that welcome teenagers. Many of them are heroes. 

Understand and acknowledge that this will be hard. Many of these kids have been through unspeakable trauma. Educate yourself on how trauma impacts them for the rest of their lives. There’s a good chance they will have ‘stuff’ to work through (who doesn’t). Do the therapy. Get help. Ask professionals. 

And finally, the most helpful strategy for me was making connections and forming relationships with other foster and adoptive parents. We understand each other in a way that is different. It’s huge to have that support – you will need a village. But it is worth it. What a beautiful way to help the world. 

P.S. Our greatest needs are foster care parents and respite providers. Schedule an information meeting with Lisa Barber-Atwell (alicab@sjkids.org) for more details. Interested in becoming an adoptive parent? Register for our upcoming training session Sept 26-Nov 14, 6-9pm, but before you do, you’ll need to attend our information meeting. We can’t wait to see you there!