"Limited Choices allows adults to stay in control of the expectation while offering children the power to make a choice."
April Manning, her husband Matt and their daughters Claire and Olivia. As parents and teachers, we say and hear the word no frequently. No is often one of the first words a child learns to say.
Young children are constantly learning to negotiate their environment and their relationships, and they try out the word no every chance they get. We know this, but we often find ourselves trapped in a power struggle with them. Consider these familiar scenarios: “Do you want macaroni and cheese?” “No!” “Do you want some juice?” “No!” “Do you want chicken nuggets?” “No!” “Are you ready to go?” “No!” “Come on. We need to go, ok?” “No!” “Let’s put your clothes on, ok?” “No!” “It’s time for bed. Can you clean up your toys, please?” “No!” “Yes. I need you to clean up your toys, ok?” “No!” I don’t know about you, but for years as a mother and a teacher, I’ve walked into the power struggle every time by asking kids a question to which no was a possible answer. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew what I had done, but it was too late. The power struggle had begun.
The concept of limited choices was introduced to me as a teacher first, and it changed my life as a parent. Limited Choices allows adults to stay in control of the expectation while offering children the power to make a choice. Limited Choices send a clear message: This is what I expect from you. This is the limit. It is not negotiable, but you get to choose how we get there. Let’s review those power struggles above and rephrase them as limited choices: “It is time to eat dinner. Would you like to start with macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets?” “It’s time to go home. Would you like to walk to the car holding my hand, or should I carry you?” “It is time to get dressed. Would you like to wear the purple shirt or the blue shirt today?” “It’s time for bed. I need you to clean up your toys. Would you like to clean up the books or the blocks first?” If your child still says no – and they may for a while – you remain in the firm, but kind, position of being in control of the expectation. “That is not a choice.” And you repeat your expectation and the choices. Eventually, your child will choose. At first, you may have to choose for them if they say no after several opportunities to choose. “I’m sorry. That is not a choice. I will give you one more chance to choose, and then I get to choose.” And then you remain kind and firm. “OK. My turn to choose.” When you choose for them, there may be a meltdown. Limited Choices is not a magic trick, but if you stay kind, firm, and calm, and you follow through with the choice you’ve made for them each time, soon they will figure out that they like having the opportunity to choose for themselves. Retraining my brain to stop asking yes or no questions and start offering Limited Choices was a process. Old habits are so hard to break. So my approach in the beginning was to be honest with myself and my kids when I walked into those power struggles, sincerely apologize, and start again. It sounded like this for a long time: “We need to go. Can you put your shoes on?” “No.” “I’m sorry. I made a mistake. I should have said, ‘It is time to go. I need you to put on your shoes. Are you wearing your tennis shoes or flip flops?” Eventually, offering Limited Choices became my go-to script. I didn’t have to think about it anymore. It was just how I talked to kids. “This is what I need from you. Would you like to do it this way or that way?” With a little creative thinking and a lot of practice, there has rarely been a situation that I can’t fit into the script. April Manning is the Director of the St. Joe’s Child Development Center. Become a subscriber for more parenting hacks.